This Reality's 3rd Most Accurate Horoscope
by FunkyWashingMachine
Summary: Slav writes a horoscope column


**This Reality's 3rd Most Accurate Horoscope**

 _By Slav_

 **Aries:** I must say, Aries, you are my kind of person. Good job on the recalibration yesterday. For the 99.82% of you who did not perform a recalibration, there is hope for you yet. Eating something yellow for breakfast will increase your chances of needing to recalibrate something today by 34%. I understand that at least nine of you will be eating a yellow breakfast at the time you are reading this. Throwing it away will not change things. 3 stars.

 **Taurus:** Stay away from potatoes today. Remove all potatoes from your living quarters, but do not allow them to touch your skin. In the event of potato contact, flush the area with cool water and write a sonnet about how you will never touch potatoes again. You may touch potatoes again tomorrow, but this is just a precaution. Any sonnets mailed to me will be published in next week's column. 3 stars.

 **Gemini:** Use your skills to your advantage today. As we all know, 90% of you are particularly skilled at shoe-tying. Offer to tie some shoes for those who are less fortunate than you. There is a 3% chance that they will reward you with an expired packet of oyster crackers, which you can then offer to a wild animal of your choice, completing 0.00006% of the domestication process. Your descendants will thank you. 4 stars.

 **Cancer:** My dear Cancer, today has a 42% chance of being a lucky day for you! If the one-cent coin you are likely to find is in the heads-up position and dated before the year 2098, it is your lucky day! Make sure to take a foolish risk, because today it will pay off. Those of you who do not find such a coin, ignore this advice. However, if you donate any less-lucky coins you find to the Space Hospital fund, that will be, in the words of your planet's understanding of quantum realities, "good karma." Average of 4 stars.

 **Leo:** Why did you do that? I am very disappointed in you. Now you only have a 6% chance of finding an extra piece of bologna in your sandwich today. It would have been 14 if you had behaved correctly. And I know 83% of you like bologna. I, too, like bologna, and I ask any Leos who do not and who receive an extra piece today to trade it with me. My sandwich will most likely have cheese today, and I am willing to trade at a rate of one slice of cheese per slice of bologna. It will be Swiss. 2 stars.

 **Virgo:** Have you ever wondered why your planet is so obsessed with the concept of virginity that they named an entire astrological sign after it? I have not had to wonder this before because this is not something my planet has done. But today I am here to liberate you from defining yourself based on your sexual status, because this has been helpful to approximately 9.12 people in your history, and all of them are dead now. Go forth and scream your sexual liberation from a very high building, or over any intercom to which you have access. It will make you feel 24% better and will earn you one to six new friends. 5 stars.

 **Libra:** You have a smile that lights up the world. Unfortunately, today we will not be seeing much of it. I suppose you have already woken up with a bad case of bedhead and discovered you forgot to bring your wallet to work and are hearing this prediction from a passing horoscope enthusiast who is reading it aloud as you walk around in confusion. You should wave at them. But be careful not to step in that puddle, which is very muddy on the bottom. I hope you remembered to wear your swimming gear today, but I suspect you forgot it on the table with your wallet this morning. I recommend putting it on before you leave the house. Those who have not yet learned to swim should not leave the house at all. Oh, and get that thing looked at. 0 stars.

 **Scorpio:** Scorpio, I do not know what to do with you. You so rarely follow my advice that I don't know why I bother to give it at all. Perhaps I should just tell you to NOT whisper "I am the master of fruits and vegetables" to someone you don't know after 1 p.m. today. That is all. 1 star.

 **Sagittarius:** It is time to stop. 1 star.

 **Capricorn:** What can I tell you, Capricorn? You are a very pleasing person in 95% of realities, including this one. The only advice of mine you need is to sit back and breathe for a moment, because it is better for your friends and yourself when you have let go of your tension, which in this reality comes from a very large interplanetary war. But the chances of global annihilation are low today, so you can relax. Do not be surprised when your neighborhood Pisces asks you for a hug. 5 stars.

 **Aquarius:** Did you remember to return my flarktidder? I think you did not. I am going to need that back soon. Preferably in the next four days. 2 stars if you do not return it, 4 stars if you do.

 **Pisces:** Today is a good day for you to know that you are loved and appreciated. To the 15.9% of you who do not feel loved and/or appreciated, ask yourself - is it because no one really feels that way about you, or because you are too wrapped up in your own issues to see that they do? Remove the metaphorical stick from your lower intestines and ask for a hug from a friend. I am only available to provide hugs from 1:38 p.m. to 2:04 p.m., so I would recommend procuring a hug from your local Leo or Capricorn. Scorpios do not give good hugs. 4 stars.

 **Birthday Today:** Of all the days you could have picked to have a birthday, today is not the best. The average person with a birthday TOMORROW is about 51% more well-adjusted than you are. But do not despair, because you are an average of 80% more attractive than them. At least by my planet's standards. And if I am right about so many other things, why should I be wrong about who is attractive? I wink at all of you. Please know that I do not give out my winks to just anybody. Go forth and tell everybody that you have been bestowed with my wink, which I am doing right now and looks like this: ^0n-^


End file.
